Shopping with Alice
by Jinxi4eva
Summary: Alice Cullen is a perky and fun character, but she also happens to be a big prankster. And everytime she goes to the mall, something strange always happens...and it winds up on youtube? Adventures with Alice!
1. Gorilla, boob job, purses

Alice is one of my favorite characters, and I've always wanted to do something funny with her shopping and stuff. So I was sitting in bed last night, and I thought of Alice loving shopping and how she loved fashion. That's when I grabbed my notebook and started writing. I thought I'd turn it into a fanfic, so here it is! One adventure at a time. Haha! Enjoy!

Fashion. It's a thing of beauty. It's something that requires you to go places—like the Forks Western Mall. Now I am a constant shopper—always on the go. So it's only natural that whenever I go to the mall that I always experience something different. I've had funny experiences, sad experiences, happy experiences and many other experiences that I'd liked to share with you. And this experience that you're about to read I just _had_ to write down.

Chapter 1

Shopping with Rosalie

So after some hard core convincing, I finally managed to get Rosalie to shop with me because I knew that the next shopping trip I was about to go on would be a disaster—a funny disaster. So when she answered yes, I danced around the house and flounced up the stairs to fetch my purse full of money—the shopping and bribing money. Next I slipped on a cute outfit with a short little black dress and pink leggings underneath to match my pink bracelet, necklace and earrings. Lastly I waltzed down the stairs to where Rosalie was impatiently waiting for me, her arms crossed and eyes scrunched into a devilish scowl.

"Sorry, Rose!" I chirped, and she rolled her eyes.

"Why are you so cheerful? We're just going to the mall."

"I know, but I'm so excited you're coming with me. Jasper usually comes, and he puts no heart into it."

"Because I don't like it," Jasper cut in, loping down the stairs and sliding one of his arms around my waist. He pinched me close to him and then planted a soft kiss on my forehead, smiling his cute Jazzy smile that always made me want to cuddle him.

"I'm sowwy," I replied, pouting.

Jasper laughed and draped his arms over me in a tight hug.

"Shopping with her can't be that bad…can it?" Rosalie asked, the anxiety sewing her eyebrows together and causing her lip to bend into a frown.

"I'm just thankful it's not me for once. Something weird always happens," Jasper replied.

"Something weird?"

"Yeah, like last time while Alice went into Victoria's Secret, I was supposed to stay outside and then some people posing as gangsters walked up to me and started dancing. Then they made me dance, and they started screaming that I got served or something. And when Alice walked out of Victoria's Secret, they were like, 'Give us our money, fool!'"

I had to pretend to cough just to not laugh, because the way Jazzy was impersonating the gangsters was just too priceless. If I had a camera with me, I would gladly record this moment, then put it away and say, "Thank you, Kodak!" Just like I did when Jasper was dancing and getting "served". I was so proud of that moment that I titled the video "Jasper, the Dance Instructor", and then put it on youtube. Whaddya know—it had a million hits on youtube!

"And then somebody put it on youtube," Jasper finished.

"On youtube?" Rosalie's eyebrows went up.

"Yep! Youtube! Tragic, isn't it? Poor Jazzy!" I said innocently, grabbing a hold of Jasper and tugging him into another hug. "Welp, we've got to go. The mall awaits!"

"Have fun. Oh, and Rose, if you'd like to go shopping with Alice from now on, you can. Nobody's stopping you," Jasper put in, and then gave me a final hug before he disappeared.

"To my Porsche!" I sang, and skipped out of the house with a very pale—well, paler—Rosalie following from behind me, her pace subdued and dragging.

Once Rosalie and I were secured in my Porsche, I blasted out of the garage with my foot almost permanently on the pedal, humming a small, tinkling little tune under my breath. Rosalie didn't say a word, but instead her eyes swept over the road as we drove over it, her nails tapping delicately along the car door, ready to open it and jump out to safety.

When we arrived at the mall, I swung my body out of the car and snatched my purse, making a model walk for the entrance as Rosalie followed quite quietly from behind me. Apparently she had nothing to say, and instead of shaking her butt as she walked, her feet were actually drawn back into timid, tiny steps, as if she knew what was going to happen today.

"Which store do you want to go to first?" I asked, pulling out the map of the mall I conveniently carried.

"Um, Kay Jewelers," Rosalie answered, her eyes narrowing and clutching her purse close to her as she took one steady glance around the area, probably expecting gangsters to come stomping toward her.

I kept my snickering low as I glided along the tile, hoping not to trigger Rosalie's suspicion towards me being the one that had pranked Jasper at his most recent journey to the mall.

When we arrived at Kay Jewelers, I sighed and pretended as if I was bored with the jewelry displayed, and then my eyes caught sight of Kohl's.

"Hey, Rose, I'm going to go into Kohl's for a bit. I'll be right back," I said assuringly, and once again Rosalie's eyes fearfully looked around for the gangsters.

I skipped over to Kohl's and disappeared behind one of their walls, digging into my purse and looking around for anyone to bribe. When I saw a little boy struggle at his mother's side, my lips drew into a satisfied smile, and I pulled out twenty dollars.

"Jeffrey, just sit down!" the mother cried, and began to sift through the clothes on the clothing rack.

The boy, named Jeffery, mumbled under his breath and sat down on the ground, looking torn.

That's when I made my move.

I crawled along the floor to get to him, and when I finally reached him, I smiled and greeted him brightly, his eyes going wide.

"Hi, I'm Alice, and I need a little favor," I said, smiling and holding up the twenty.

His eyes went back and forth between the money and my face.

"With this you can get games or toys or whatever you want. I just need you to do me a favor in order to get it. Can you do that?"

Jeffrey nodded.

"Great! Now let me show you your mission…"

We both stood up, and I led him out of the store, pointing out the Kay Jewelers store and paranoid Rosalie, who was gazing through a clear display with a diamond necklace inside.

"First, put this on," I instructed, pulling a small gorilla suit from purse and handing it to Jeffrey. He slid it on over his clothes and waited patiently for instructions—what an obedient little boy.

"Now, you see that woman over there?" I pointed out Rosalie once again. "There are some things I want you to do to her…" I whispered in his ear what he needed to do, and he nodded, trotting toward the store and making loud gorilla noises.

Instinctively, I pulled out the camera and watched from the perfect angle, smiling.

Jeffrey, in his realistic gorilla suit, pounced on Rosalie's leg and yelped loudly. Rosalie screamed, startled, and began shaking her leg. She got him off in an instant, but when she did, she spun to glare at him and lock her teeth.

"Geez, kid, what's your—" She froze, her eyes spotting the gorilla suit. "What the—"

"Mommy!" Jeffrey cried, and swung his little gorilla leg into Rosalie's shin. Now, I made sure that there was something inside the gorilla legs to really do damage—like hard steel or metal. I made sure those were securely made in the legs and feet of the gorilla, but I honestly had no idea how that little boy could drag his legs and walk with the metal being in there.

Rosalie crouched down and held her leg, cussing under her breath. "What the hell is your—"

"Mommy, did you get _another_ boob job?" Jeffrey screamed, and everyone in the store stopped what they were doing and looked at the two.

Rosalie tried replacing the anger with a smile, but it was clearly a mask over what she felt, and the anger broke through with the sharpness of her tone. "Come on, honey, no yelling in the store," Rosalie said with gritted teeth, playing along with Jeffrey's act.

"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!" Jeffrey screamed, and then an old woman that was in the store marched up to Rosalie and swung her purse against her. Then many other women did the same, all smacking Rosalie.

Okay, I hadn't planned _that_.

I made sure I was getting all of this on camera and smirked proudly to myself.

"I'm innocent!" Rosalie cried, still being attacked by the limitless purses. "He hit me first!"

"She _did_ get a boob job!" someone exclaimed loudly, and Rosalie groaned, running out of the store.

When little gorilla Jeffrey returned to me with his hand held out, that was when I stopped the recording and exploded in laughter.

"Here ya go, kid. Thanks for helping," I said, handing Jeffrey the money he had earned. "Oh, and you can keep the costume." I waved goodbye to Jeffrey and then trotted over to Kohl's to pretend like I was exiting. That was when Rosalie snatched my wrist and yanked me recklessly, her grip firm and nails practically ripping open my flesh.

"What's wrong, Rose?" I asked innocently, sounding startled.

"Never again," Rosalie said, sounding haunted as she led me out of the mall.

As we drove home, she kept mumbling to herself the same words, "Gorilla, boob job, purses. Gorilla, boob job, purses." And that's when I saw how shaken she really was.

I bit my bottom lip to hide my smile, and when we got home, Rosalie launched out of the car and bolted into the house, her body trembling.

I followed after her, and as we went through the front door, Jasper and Emmett caught sight of us—the shaken Rosalie and the smiling Alice.

"Is everything okay?" Jasper asked after a silence.

"Gorilla, boob job, purses," Rosalie answered back, shuddering.

Emmett raised an eyebrow at the boob job part she had mentioned. "Another one?"

"That's what he said!" Rosalie cried.

Emmett stared at her and then smirked, looking completely goofy and hindered with laughs. "No, that's what _she_ said."

Rosalie gritted her teeth and threw her purse on the table, floating up the stairs and cussing every two seconds.

I laughed once again and then danced up the stairs with my chin held high. There was only one thing left to do.

I logged into youtube.

* * *

That's the end! Chapter 2 is coming soon! I'll think of some more ideas! If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, just mail me! Disclaimer/Claimer time!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything affiliated with Twilight. Everything concerning Twilight such as the characters and the plot all belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Claimer: I do, however, own the little boy Jeffrey. Hehe! Cute, obedient little kid.


	2. I'm Not Gay

Hahahaaa! This one was so fun to write!! And I finished it pretty fast, too. But I think rushed -.- Oh well! It was really fun! Hehe! Enjoy!

Fashion. It's a thing of beauty. It's something that requires you to go places—like the Forks Western Mall. Now I am a constant shopper—always on the go. So it's only natural that whenever I go to the mall that I always experience something different. I've had funny experiences, sad experiences, happy experiences and many other experiences that I'd liked to share with you. And this experience that you're about to read I just _had_ to write down.

Chapter 2

I'm Not Gay

"Please, please, Esme!" I cried, holding onto my mother with a desperate, I-need-this-please grip.

Esme sighed and ran her fingers back through her beautiful, caramel hair, her eyes soft and decided as they closed. "I can't, Alice. I dedicated myself to a new job, and you'll have to take someone else."

I had asked Esme to come to the mall with me because everyone else was out for the day. Edward was spending the day with Bella, Emmett was out with Rosalie while trying to make her forget about the ordeal that had happened at the mall the other day (Gorilla, boob job, purses!), and Jasper was probably hiding, knowing that I was looking for someone to come with me to the mall. And now Esme had started a new job in decorating people's homes, so she couldn't come with me.

"But there's no one else I can take," I whined pitifully.

And that's when Carlisle came down the stairs, holding a clipboard and shuffling through some papers that were probably related to the hospital.

Esme nagged him a bit for doing work on his day off, but after she did, her eyes went big with realization. "Alice, you can take Carlisle to the mall with you!"

Carlisle looked up from his clipboard and did a small "huh" before my jaw dropped in disbelief.

"B-But, it's _girl _things—"

"Alice, he's like your father. And he's a doctor," Esme added, "so _girl _things shouldn't be a problem." Esme smiled brightly at Carlisle, who look dumbfounded at the whole situation. "Would you, honey?"

Carlisle peered back and forth between me and Esme. "What's going on?"

"Alice has no one to go to the mall with her, and I was wondering if you'd go with her," Esme explained.

Carlisle smiled. "Well, of course."

Just kill me now. Rip me apart and burn me.

I sighed. "Okay, well, I guess I'll go get my purse." I trotted up the stairs slowly, but when I reached my room, a thought struck me like lightning, and my lips formed into a high and mighty smile. I snatched my purse and filled it to the brim with pads and condoms I had found scattered all over the house. Then I zipped up my purse and slung it over my shoulder, hovering over the stairs in just a tiny flutter of my feet as I came quietly down them.

Oh, this one was going to be good.

"Ready to go, Carlisle?" I asked, suddenly overjoyed.

Esme stared at me suspiciously but said nothing else and gave each of us a hug before she left.

"Let's hurry, Carlisle. I'm pretty sure the mall closes early today," I said, dashing out of the house.

"Would you like me to drive?" Carlisle asked, but I was already in the driver's seat and starting the car.

Once Carlisle was in the passenger's seat, I thrust the car out of the view of the house and sped down the road like a maniac.

When we arrived at the Forks Western Mall, I parked the car and led Carlisle through one of the side entrances, browsing through some of the stores that were available. I spotted Starbucks ahead with a long line extending and taking up almost all the space along the pathway. Perfect.

"Hey, Carlisle, can you wait in line?" I asked, pointing to the Starbucks line that ended with a tall woman at the end.

Carlisle blinked. "Yes, but Starbucks is coffee—"

"And I've always wanted to try some!" I exclaimed cheerfully, and Carlisle said nothing more and went in line, finding it pointless to argue. "Sorry! I'll be right back. I'm going to look in that book store. There's this one book I've been looking for."

"What's it called?" Carlisle inquired before I could rush off.

"Oh, umm, Harry Potter," I replied, saying the first book that popped into my head.

Carlisle paused. "Oh yes I've heard about that series. But there's a new series out that I've heard has been a big boom in the nation—"

"That's cool! But I've got to go. I'll be right back. I'm sorry," I said, before scurrying off and turning the corner. I slumped against the wall and then unzipped my purse, removing some condoms and pads that were on the top and throwing them away so that it wouldn't overflow. Then I hurried back with the zipper on my purse wide open and handed it to Carlisle. "Hey, can you hold this for a second? It can be such a burden carrying it around." I smiled genuinely and Carlisle nodded.

Then I hurried off, trying to hide the mischievous grin that had slithered on my face.

As soon as I was around the corner, I pulled out my camera and began to film.

CARLISLE POV

I found it a bit odd that Alice kept running off, and, coffee? Sure, we could taste coffee, but if Alice were to have drunk it, she would probably have to throw it up later. But why would she want to taste coffee?

I shook my head and instead held onto Alice's purse, which, for some reason, kept frequently swinging from side to side. It finally stopped moving when I slid it over my shoulder, and even when it had stopped swinging, I was still bothered with it being there. Wouldn't people get the wrong impression if it was over my shoulder so femininely?

Suddenly, someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I whirled around to see a teenage boy, his face red and smile wide, as if he had just been laughing really hard.

I blinked. "Erm—can I help you?"

"Yeah, uh, dude…ma'am…you dropped this," the boy said, and in his hand was—what the heck—a condom.

"Excuse me?"

"It fell out," the boy explained. "It fell out of your purse."

"Oh, um, thank you." I took it from him and then added, "I'm not gay."

The boy smirked. "Yeah, I was going to ask you out, but I saw the ring on your finger." The boy winked and then turned, walking away at a rather fast pace.

ALICE POV

I was laughing too hard to really stop, and when the boy returned, he held out his hand with a big smirk on his face.

"That was good! Hey, thanks," I added, handing him twenty five dollars and letting out another laugh.

"Hey, no problem. By the way, this Friday night—"

"I have a boyfriend," I interrupted sharply, still laughing. I wasn't going to add that Jasper was my husband, for some people would consider it odd that I married at such a young age—but I'm not that young. "Sorry. And thanks again."

"You're welcome. See ya around I guess." The boy smiled and waved goodbye, turning and walking away at a more casual pace than when he had retreated from Carlisle.

Okay, part 2 to the plan.

I scurried back to Carlisle, who I noted was trying to keep a straight face, but really his left eye had a slight twitch to it. I bit my bottom lip and tried to suppress laughter, and then said, "Y'know, I guess I could try coffee later or something. I really need to shop for some bras."

"Okay, whatever you want," Carlisle said in a sigh.

As we walked to the bra shop toward the other side of the mall, Carlisle brought up, "Alice, why do you have condoms in your purse?"

I pretended to look embarrassed. "Oh, um, well, one of my friends asked me to bring her some."

"Which friend? You have human friends besides Bella?" Carlisle inquired, skipping to conclusions.

"No, it is Bella. And I guess I should've just called her my sister rather than a friend."

"Oh. I see." Carlisle fell silent until we arrived at the bra shop.

I instructed him to wait outside for a bit and then hurried inside to set up the camera in a hidden place. I hid it high up underneath some boxes that were stacked on top of shelves. At first glance, you couldn't see it, but if you looked hard enough, you could actually see the transparent lens.

After the finishing touches, I ran back out and led Carlisle inside.

"Okay, so I need help deciding which bra I'm going to get," I said, approaching some stacks of bras. "This one matches with the underwear…" I held up a polka dotted bra with a small pair of polka dotted underwear to go with it. "Or I could just get the usual one that doesn't match with anything else. Oh! And if I go to Victoria's Secret, I could get some with lace and ribbons. I bet Jasper would like that…"

"Ahem," Carlisle said, pretending to cough.

I giggled. "Oh, sorry. Here, can you hold these for a second?" I handed the bras to Carlisle, and he held them firmly in his hand, though he looked rather embarrassed. "Oh no! Don't hold them like that! Here." I adjusted his hands to where he was holding the bra right in front of his chest, making him look like he was wearing it. "The bras get wrinkled and messed up if you hold them like you were earlier. Just hold them like that, and they should be perfect!" I smiled encouragingly and then paused. "Oh crap. I forgot something in the book store. I'll be right back, Carlisle. Just keep holding the bras like that, and please don't move. Oh, and hold my purse also," I added, linking the purse on Carlisle's shoulder.

Carlisle sighed and nodded, looking completely embarrassed.

I did a small titter and in a jolly, ballet sort of way, I danced out of the shop and loped to the middle space, where a few people were sitting on benches. Now, all I had to do was look for the right person, and…

"Like omg! That outfit is adorable!"

I whirled around to the owner of the voice and saw a boy standing in front of a clothing store, fawning over the outfit with "ooh's" and "ahh's". I felt a smile light my face. This was going perfectly.

I approached the boy warily and tapped him on the shoulder to fully grab his attention. When his eyes caught sight of me, he smiled a bit and generated a small hello, of which I greeted him back in return and began the bribe.

"Hello! Um, can you do me a quick favor?"

"Depends. What do you want?" the boy's eyes flickered back to the outfit displayed in the window, and I could tell that he was drawn toward it.

"Well, I want you to go put some moves on this guy. And if you do that, then I'll buy you that outfit," I explained.

The boy's jaw dropped. "Like, no way! That outfit is, like, two hundred freaking dollars!"

I grinned. "Don't worry I have cash."

The boy swung his hip to the side and sassily rolled his eyes. "Oh come on. Yeah right."

"I'll buy it right now," I declared, and strode into the store, asking for the outfit in the window and then buying it with the credit card I had brought along just in case. Then I walked back out and handed the outfit to the astonished boy. "There. Now you have to do your end of the deal."

"O-Okay," the boy replied unsteadily, in awe of the outfit.

Then I began to tell him everything he needed to do, creeping to the window and getting ready to watch the show. Heehee!

CARLISLE POV

Alice disappeared again, claiming that she had to go get something from the book store, but it seems like she went for another reason. Now I'm standing in a bra shop, holding up a bra to no one in particular and feeling rather uncomfortable to be getting funny and strange looks from women.

All of a sudden, someone tapped me on the shoulder just like earlier today, and it turns out to be a boy, smiling at me and holding a little white piece of paper in his hand.

He winked and handed it to me. "You're pretty cute. Here's my number. I bet that bra will look good on you. Do you want my address? We can get together tonight. Me. You. My room." He waggled his eyebrows and then drew me into a hug. When he pulled away, he slapped my butt and winked again. "See ya, Carlisle, honey." Then he walked away, leaving me with my jaw wide open and my left eye unable to contain a twitch.

Then I dropped the bra and just about lost it when I screamed, "I'M NOT GAY! I'M NOT GAY!"

ALICE POV

_This _was priceless. After Carlisle started screaming about how he wasn't gay, I exploded in laughter and caught sight of the look on his face, the laughs draining my body of oxygen (Then again, vampires don't really have to breathe.). When the boy came back to me, I thanked him continuously between laughs, and the boy just laughed with me.

"No problem, hun. That man was ca-_ute_. Thanks for the outfit." The boy smiled, and with the outfit in a bag, walked away.

When I got back with Carlisle, he declared that he wanted to leave, of which I saw that the twitch in his eye hadn't gone away. We drove home silently, and I didn't get enough nerve to actually ask him what was wrong—although I already knew what had happened, and it was pretty hard containing the laughter.

We strode into the house to find a cheerful Esme greeting us happily.

"So how did it go?" Esme asked, smiling.

Before I could say anything, Carlisle asked, "Honey, if you weren't married to me, would you ever consider me to be gay?"

Esme blinked, startled. "Why, of course not, dear."

Carlisle, unconvinced, ran up to his room and came back down wearing only a tank top and gym shorts.

"Where are you going, Carlisle?" Esme asked worriedly.

"To the gym. I'm going to regain my manliness and dignity," Carlisle said, disappearing through the door with his left eye still twitching.

Before Esme could ask what happened, I ran up the stairs and went to my room, whistling to myself as I logged into youtube yet again. Well, time to upload another million hitter.

* * *

Haha! Okay, yeah, I'm really enjoying writing this. If anyone has any ideas to any pranks on Edward or Emmett, just let me know. Oh, and maybe also Jasper. Oh, and do you think I should prank the Volturi? That'd be random...Anyway, I'll take any ideas or suggestions! If you can, please submit a review! And I'm sorry if I offended anyone in writing this. I didn't mean to cause offense, and I'm just joking around. No offense intended! This was just for fun! Okay, Disclaimer/Claimer time!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything affiliated with Twilight. Everything concerning Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.


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